A few months ago I wrote a blog titled YCDBSOYA. You can read it here. We had great discussions over it on the blog and on my facebook page. In a nutshell we were trying to figure out why, if some are working on a business and know exactly what needs to be done, they would still not do it?
After all this time thinking about, I think I finally know why!
If you know what needs to be done, in your health, wealth or relationship, and you’re still not doing it, it’s because of one of two reasons:
1- You’re Insane.
Albert Einstein says: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
If you’ve been to any NLP training or life coaching courses you might have come across this: “keep doing what you’ve done and you’ll keep getting what you’ve got”.
Do you do this sometimes? Constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized. You know it doesn’t work. Nothing new will ever materialize. That’s fine, keep going back to the fridge, it’s funny. Just don’t use the same strategy with your health wealth and relationships because nothing new will ever materialize if you keep doing what you’ve done.
The second reason is what, in NLP terms, is called:
2- Secondary Gains
The medical dictionary defines a secondary gain as: “an indirect benefit, usually obtained through an illness or debility. Such gains may include monetary and disability benefits, personal attention, or escape from unpleasant situations and responsibilities.”
In other words, when you engage in an act such as eating a tub of ice cream or smoking a cigarette even when knowing that you shouldn’t, you’re likely doing it because of a secondary gain. The secondary gain could be for example the momentarily comfort that the ice cream or cigarette provides.
Do you have a secondary gain for an unwanted behaviour you’re currently engaging in? Share it with us in the comment box below.
Equally, not engaging in an act could also be motivated by secondary gains. For example, not getting off the couch and making things happen in your business could have the secondary gain of you staying in a comfortable familiar place instead of subjecting yourself to the unpleasantness of , say, learning to create a website for your business and dealing with an evil computer.
The problem with secondary gains is that they are happening on an unconscious level. They could be affecting you without you even knowing. So how do you deal with them? I’m glad you asked.
1- Become aware. The first thing you need to do is bring the secondary gain out of the unconscious into your conscious awareness. When you catch yourself engaging in an unwanted behaviour, especially if it had become a routine, pause for a minute and ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What could be my secondary gain from doing this?” Do this now. Think of a routine unwanted behaviour that you normally engage in and answer these questions.
2- Realize the real reward. Secondary gains reward you, by providing comfort or safety or any other momentarily rewards. You must understand that these rewards are very short term and that you’re likely going to feel a lot worse shortly after receiving that momentarily reward. But because your unconscious mind is receiving a reward anyway, it believes it’s doing you good. You must bring to your awareness the fact that receiving a momentarily reward for engaging in an unwanted behaviour does NOT mean that this behaviour is correct. Read this on goal oriented self imposed delayed gratification.
3- Focus on the real reward. Now you know there’s a long term, much better reward if you stop that unwanted behaviour, get off your butt and go get that reward. Set your sight on it, get motivated and go claim it. It’s yours, you deserve it and all you need to do is reach out and grab it. It’s not going to come to you. You can’t get it sitting on your ass.
Until next time,
Copyright (c) 2010 www.TarekCoaching.com – Life coach London, life coaching London, RESULTS Coach, Performance Consultant, Master Practitioner of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), NLP training